What women are REALLY searching for

By reading the title, one would certainly gather images that create a macho man schema – what women are really looking for. In truth, this piece uses a feminist approach to explain what most women want, as well as a matter in which they refuse and reject to gain awareness.

A man is one whom we describe using great masculine characteristics externally, meanwhile we explain his interior as though he is a woman. We explain his interior as one who is not afraid of displaying weakness, sharing his fears and tears. His interior resembles the gender norms of a woman – the way in which women identify themselves privately and publicly. He is who the woman believes she must be in her community, with her children, and even with his colleagues. She shows compassion and understanding. She is patient and able to provide support to all groups. She is the sex that gives. Whether women can accept it or not, we are in search for a man who possesses and produces feminine beliefs and behaviours. Women are in search of who is under the male ego – an individual who believes in equality. An individual who treats his woman as though she is not only a lover, but also a partner, one he shares his physical space with, one who he makes agreements with over mutual matters, one who rejects patriarchal beliefs.

This does not convey that women do not search for macho qualities of domination, moral integrity, jealousy, men of honour, physical strength, etc. The search for external masculinity is, long-term, in a woman’s favour publicly and socially. 

 

Farah Kouatli

Self-love

As I spend more time listening to others about their relationships and/or experiences of being single, dating, or in a relationship, I have come up with several observations. Firstly, LIFE IS NOT ONLY ABOUT HAVING A PARTNER. When we spend more time alone, and away from the daily routine of love – often consisting of intimacy and stress, we realize that it is actually about finding the one who complements your life, rather than making it worth living. I am not pessimistic and am in no way reinforcing the idea that “love stinks”, according to Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer. Love is a beautiful thing when we are receiving more positive outcomes than negative ones. It is a beautiful thing that gives us meaning and life, when based on respect, loyalty, passion, and compatibility. But do we ever think about the true question, of will we ever find a satisfying and healthy relationship, when we as individual bodies, alone in a world composed of billions, do not love ourselves in a healthy manner that brings us personal satisfaction. Self-love will attract those who can respect and value you. But before even seeking those who can offer us a fulfilling love story, we must develop our identity and purpose, in order to feel rewarded as individuals, through our interaction with the WORLD, with groups of individuals, with where our passion and flow takes us, to be able to then attract the one who will help us on our pursuit of purpose.

 

 

The Golden Rule

“Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see”
-Benjamin Franklin

Why is is that so many of us are attached to the words that we are fed, rather than the actions that should be delivered to us? This is the dilemma with overcoming an ending to a relationship, where we have lost the presence of kind words that spark our hearts. I feel that many of us fail to evaluate the causes of our sadness and heartbreak, meanwhile only focusing on what we miss. Is what one misses more valuable and worthy than what they truly desired from their loved on? If the relationship is evaluated through cost/benefit analysis, we can understand why some relationships are seasonal, and would never prosper as long-term commitments. Romantic and intimate success between a couple lies greatly on the emotional and mental comfort of each individual through understanding, conflict resolution, compassion, and sacrifice. When our partner is hurt, we must ask ourselves: “how would I feel if this was done to me?”

In many cases, our partner does not apply the Golden Rule to a relationship they verbally express as precious and oh so valuable. That is how to overcome the grieve sadness caused by the detachment of an egoistic poet.

2:46AM

There’s a difference.

There’s a difference mourning the loss of memories, versus the loss of an individual. There’s a difference in memories of which we believed as truth, versus recollections of truth. What is truth? What do we define as real and how do we validate it? How can we be so sure of what another truly feels, and whether or not what we are receiving truly exists? What is truth? Is truth our instinct? Is it our sixth sense, the feeling in our gut that tells us to step away and retrieve our dignity? What is the meaning of loss and mourning if nothing truly existed? The answer is not said, but rather reflected through reclamation and pursuit.

The other side of ghosting

When we experience the feelings that come with the disappearance of our partner – ghosting, we can barely imagine what they experience on their end. When we are inflicted with pain, confusion and frustration, the focus of the issue becomes all the emotions we experience, and our resentment towards the individual who we believe feels nothing. Sometimes it is true, that those who walk away feel nothing, meanwhile there are some who experience a unique form of pain. When we strongly and truly care about our partner but decide to walk away, we feel our own form of anger, sadness, pity, and most importantly, sympathize with our frustrated partner who is experiencing our disappreance. When we ghost, we wish we never had to. We wish we can erase the past and the event that led us to harden our hearts and develop strong feelings of dignity. It is frustrating when we ghost because we don’t want to. We want to answer a call, we want to text back, we want to give our partner a hug and tell them how much we love them, but that will only break our dignity. Ghosting on our partner hurts us just like being ghosted, but not as much. As humans we possess a sense of selfishnes, where we eliminate pain and feel good when we experience it less than others. As a lover we also possess a sense of group membership, where their pain becomes ours, if not greater. When we ghost we feel our pain and our partners, something they do not feel because it seems as though we simply don’t care.

Doubt

It is important for each individual to understand that their partner needs to be loved differently than how they want to be loved.

Each individual possesses different characteristics and temperaments that reflect the way in which we love. There are many environmental factors that impact one’s temperament in a relationship, meanwhile there are also qualities in one’s nature that reflect how they love and the type of experience they give to their partner. Of course, there is a general and vague difference between they way men and women love, which are unique to the individual. Among many hetereosexual couples, men and women express their love differently, and give each other in different ways. This occurs because each gender receives love differently based on their needs/wants – emotional, physical, material. It is important for each individual to understand that their partner needs to be loved differently than how they want to be loved. If this concept is grasped, both individuals will be pleased.

A significant issue in giving and receiving love in a relationship, is adopting the negative ways in which your partner expresses love. For example, doubt in a relationship can become toxic. When an individual in the relationship expresses their caring, love, and jealousy through doubt, it is hard for the other not to start possessing the same form of love. This individual once did not have any doubt towards their partner, but when they are always being doubted they begin to feel that maybe their partner is doing what they are being victimized for. They also start to possess the same mentality and way of thinking, which was not once part of their nature, nor did they want it to be. Such relationship becomes toxic.

Ghosting

He kisses her goodbye but she believes it’s only à toute à l’heure. She exits the vehicle walking toward her home – confused, relaxed, worried. Her instinct drives her toward their chat, to send a message, to assure him she loves him, asking him to drive home safe for her sake. With such a good intention, there is never any luck but always injustice. She has awaited this moment, always telling herself this moment will come, prepare for this moment. She knew it would come, only how soon is the question. She knew it would come, it would be a miracle or an illusion if it never came. How could she not await the moment that taunts her interaction, growth, and development with any man? She trusted yes, but this moment is not a matter of trust. It is a matter or routine and expectation. How could she not expect for him to disappear and never be able to get a hold of him again? Whether she is submissive or strong, this moment had to come.

Ghosting – She doesn’t know anymore. Is she hurt or conditioned? She is conditioned, but hurting is the first stage.

Ghosting is the disappearance of an individual from one’s life entirely – physically and through all forms of communication. It is possibly the most hurtful way to end a relationship for the victim. There is no need to explain how unhealthy it is nor to give other options of ending a relationship, but it is important to understand how the victim of ghosting feels. You begin with confusion. Is whatever we fought over worth all this? What could I have done to prevent it? Will they come back? How can I reach them? But what really made them dissappear? These questions of course are left unanswered, therefore the victim becomes frustrated. Calling begins, private number, other phones, speaking to friends and relatives, trying to get some sort of information or anything to understand this confusion. Once the victim has done everything, feelings of hopelessness emerge. They are gone. There is no way to repair what has been broken. I have lost my dignity. They will never come back. They have made me weak. I don’t actually care this much but I’m frustrated, therefore I have shown weakness and submission. Now the victim is hurt, the victim is sad. The victim cries, goes through their conversations, photos, remembers everything beautiful and wonders how could the possibly not miss me and not reappear?

Long-term Mate Selection

This topic is not a simple one, nor can be covered entirely, which is why I chose to focus on a specific aspect. There is a big difference in selecting a partner with a short-term motive versus a long-lasting relationship. A very common problem is failing to consider an individual’s characteristics and qualities that impact their treatment towards you specifically and on a very intimate level. Everyone lives a certain lifestyle or have hobbies and interests that clash with their partner, but often we focus too much on those differences and fail to recognize qualities that impact intimacy and long-term satisfaction. What I mean by this, is that it is important to focus mainly on personality traits that will either make you happy or uncomfortable. There are specific and unique qualities that differ among males and females which make a good husband/wife or father/mother. The ability to look beyond one’s temporary lifestyle and interests, more so focusing on the traits they possess when interacting with those they share intimacy. Sometimes we can even fail to recognize the strategies they use in dealing with those clashes, focusing solely on the content of the conflict. The content is not always as important as the way in which it is dealt. The content should not be disregarded, but should be understood as an element in the relationship that is time-related, and sometimes temporary. When the content of a conflict is temporary, then energy should be saved, instead focusing on the interaction and strategies in dealing with the conflict. This is what matters when selecting a mate with the intention of a long-term relationship. It is the individual who is understanding, compromising, open-minded, and willing to meet you halfway who acquires the qualities of a long-term spouse. Conflict and a lack of agreement – in belief, does not mean make two incompatible, it can actually test compatibility through the ways in which the couple compromises. Qualities of compassion or nobility, for example, could help one judge the value of long-term compatibility.

 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder?

Isn’t it so beautiful how much you can love one out of so many? Isn’t it so painful to love so much, you begin to lose yourself in the attempt of interlocking souls? Is it physical distance that brings emotional distance or is it emotional distance that leads to physical distance? Is this distance a reflection of devotion and submission to that one? Do we truly chase who we cannot have? We do but it could simply be due to the fact that we once had them. Maybe there was such a connection that you lose yourself chasing this one to revive this connection.

Love can be so beautiful, but so painful when the one we love fails to see the beauty in our pain.

Welcoming Myself Back

Unfortunately I haven’t been active for a very long time, and fortunately I am back and hoping to remain active. I’m not too familiar with blogging or WordPress specifically, and also feel that nobody cares for this blog except for me. However, I not only see this as a place to rant, but somewhere I can share my thoughts with no limits or boundaries. My goal is to hopefully reach out to those who are seeking some form of guidance or answers regarding successful communication in heterosexual relationships, or simply in understanding the opposite sex.

How important is this subject all depends on how much value one places in the significance of understanding gender roles and power relations in a romantic relationship. When we can understand each other, specifically our partner, we can understand how to maintain healthy relationships through our communication, conflict resolution, and social exchange.

Farah Kouatli